I am so broken. This monster inside me eats at me everyday, feeding on all the life left in me, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to make it stop.This war inside me is raging, and it’s driving me crazy, and I’m exhausted. I’m tired. So very tired.
They say happiness is a choice. It’s not that simple. Do they think I chose to be this way? Every day is another battle that I can’t win, every breath is so painful that I just want to give up and give in. Every time my anxiety creeps up on me, and I fall down to the ground in defeat, unable to get back to my feet, I become crippled. Every… single… day… is a struggle to stay alive, to take one more breath. You can’t win. Being categorized into the “mentally sick” group is one of the worst feeling you can ever have, and that’s what it’s like every day. Would anyone choose that? I don’t think so.
And no matter what I say, I am not okay. I might never be “okay”. I might never be the same way I was before, and it’s scary.Have yo ever gotten that question- “Are you afraid of dying?” I have. And every time I get asked that I answer them no- I’m afraid of what life has become in my eyes, and every day is a struggle. I’m afraid that I’ll never get to see the old me again. So no, I’m not afraid of dying, but instead of living. But I tell them if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that I’m gonna keep fighting. I will never stop fighting for my life because I know that there are things in life worth fighting for.
I feel like what’s left of my life is a win-at-all-costs mission. It doesn’t matter what or how much I loose during the battle because ultimately, when I make it through- that’s enough to be proud of.
Sometimes, I feel like everyone in my life has betrayed me, abandoned me, or given up on me. Of course, this makes me feel alone, but in a strange way, at the same time, it makes me feel stronger. Because I know that when- not if but when- I survive through this, I get to prove every single one of them wrong. I get to show them, that they shouldn’t have given up on me. And I get to see the look on their face when they see that I made it through it.
So yes- living is really hard when you have depression and, to be honest, it’s a lot like walking through a dark, haunted, forest all alone. But what you can’t see is that your family is at the other side waiting for you with a warm blanket and a ride back home. You definitely think about giving up more than once, but I know that I will fight with everything I have- even if all that I have is a BB gun when I’m fighting against an army of tanks- I will fight with everything that I have to win this fight, because you are something in my life I want to fight for.